Te Natural Heritage of Polygamy and Monogamy

Understanding sexual attraction and the cheating heart

By Fran Detower

Why do some men and women like you and me want to flirt and fool-around with multiple date-lovers rather than working it out with one mate-at-the-time in a committed relationship?

Sexual-behavior researchers have found that 70-80 per cent of US women who had been married for more than five years had had affairs, and 70-80 per cent of men married for more than two years had cheated. In fact, regardless of being married or not, two third of men and women that I know, those that I studied and observed have cheated or are cheating on their partners.

Most animals in nature (80% or more) live in a polygamy exchange (multiple sex partners) but a smaller group (20% or less) lives on a monogamy style (one pair mates) and remains partners for life. According to our mixed biological inheritance men instinctively want to make as many babies as they can as soon as possible to spread their genes around, but they also wants to build a family. The genetic influence of male-female infidelity is well known by anthropologists, and can be summarized as the result of the “Males animal natural tendency to have more than one mate or cheat whenever they can get close to a suitable Female-willing partner.”

Take notice of how in the animal kingdom, the male apes, horses, lions, bulls and singing birds are driven to compete and fight against each other in order to secure as many female-mates as possible for themselves. Also notice the willingness of the female to be seduced, conquered or possessed by and mate with any of the winning males. It is like a group dance contest where multiple males go all out in pursuit of the provocative, sexually inviting-females; girls dress up and undress accordingly to attract the the attention of the best suitable males. There is nothing wrong with this .

Most women of the human species (married or single) are potential cheaters; they are naturally swept off their feet by the melodious voice of a popular singer, impressed by the strength of a sport champ or the sweet talk of a charming gentlemen; just like their animal counterpart, women are willing partners, instinctually driven to mate and have babies from the most successful and stronger male in order to reproduce their DNA line of survival. However, not all men are willing to spread their genes with every female they can find, and not all women are desperately looking to father their babies with a popular champ. So why are some of us more likely to cheat than others?

According to professor Tim Spector, director of the Twin Research and Genetic Epidemiology unit at St Thomas’ Hospital in London, it’s all down to inheritance. Spector found, (courtesy of a study of 1,600 female twins published 2008) that while the normal likelihood of infidelity in women was 22 per cent, having an identical twin that is unfaithful makes the likelihood up to 44 per cent. He concludes that near 40 per cent of our motivation to cheat comes from the genetic make-up we’ve inherited from our parents meaning that some individuals are more susceptible to drink-up, flirt around and being unfaithful than others.

Psychologists also tend to emphasize heritability in infidelity, but in terms of learned behavior rather than genetics. ‘To say, “ if you mother drinks, you will be a drunk” or “If your father did it, you will do it” is not always the case. We may be more realistic to say that what you have learnt from your mum and dad, and whether they have found successful ways to resolve their problems can influence the choice you will make about your own drinking-sex life,’ says Harley Street psychologist Susan Van Scoyoc. Dr Susan Marchant-Haycox, a lecturer in psychology at Birkbeck College, echoes her views: ‘If a child continually sees a parent being unfaithful it could reinforce the idea that infidelity is acceptable. As a result of such a social inheritance, some individual are eventually unfaithful to his or her partner.’ In fact, some will repeat the infidelity as part of their way of life; in a recent study of more than 2,000 women across the US, researcher Carole Ellison found that 13 per cent of women who had been unfaithful had engaged in five or more affairs, and most of these women had grown up with a parent who had also been unfaithful.

But must people are not drunks or cheaters regardless of their inherited natural inclinations; our decision to sleep around with multiple partners or be faithful to one may be a reverse role from our childhood but in most instance its seems to be a personal preference. There is the human-intelligence factor where men and women can learn social-moral behavior to control their desire, nurture relationship and maintain family values. Thus, in the human context, sexual exchange is a choice driven by a mixture of mature thinking, inheritance, communication and the control of natural instinct.

The inheritance of the unfaithful type

The “I couldn’t stop myself” theory of sleeping around because “I feel it” or because “I was drunk” has some scientific validity but surely not all children of philanderers and drunks are destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents. In her influential book on infidelity, Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, Dr Shirley Glass claims some of us find it easier to control unfaithful urges than others. ‘Attraction is a dependable constant in our lives,’ she writes. ‘As electrically charged beings, we continually respond to the positive charges of others. It doesn’t matter whether we are happily married or just dating someone. In the moment of attraction, we are fully alive and open to the possibilities of potential intimacy.’ For Glass, what separated the faithful from the unfaithful was a set of personality traits and values, which the person develops before any type of sexual encounter takes place.

Among these values is our sense of respect and commitment – whether that is attachment to a particular partner, or to the principle of monogamy – and how strong it is. People who are unfaithful are more able to rationalize and compartmentalize their behavior to say, ‘I’m committed to one, but dating someone else, dining out, flirting, or one kiss, won’t hurt if the other never finds out.’ Gradually, this escalates to a full-blown affair. They are also more able to lie, even to themselves. ‘In affairs, people are as likely to engage in self-deception as in the deception of their partners,’ says Glass.

Many unfaithful people are emotionally unstable, unhappy with their partner on not truly committed to a one-to-one relationship; some have multiple personalities that need constant reassurance or affirmation. ‘The quest for extramarital excitement can be an attempt to “fix” an internal problem, such as boredom, low self-esteem or existential angst.’ Those more likely to seek an affair include ‘Type T’, or thrill-seeking personalities, those who suffer irrational addictions to sex with anyone, and the controlling type “A” people whose egos need constant attention. “People who have some level of narcissism, who may be selfish or need a lot of compliments, or those who had a difficult relationship with either one of their parents,” explains psychosexual therapist Carole Martin-Sperry.

Are you the type that can be easily persuaded? Are you dissatisfied with your partner? So what can you do if you find yourself unable to resist the temptation of a fling? Or what if you or your partner might be keeping the eye out for new sexual conquests? Sperry advises keeping a constant check on your own expectations and your partner’s. ‘Have you and your partner agreed on an open relationship? Or do you expect 100 per cent monogamy? If you haven’t had that conversation, you need to; and if you have, you need to remind yourself of the boundaries you’ve both agreed on,’ she advises. ‘Giving in to your urges will change everything, bringing lies, guilt and a lack of trust into your relationship. It may destroy the family you may want to build. Ask yourself before jumping: Is it really worth it?’

Polygamy is a life-style of risk and non-attachment available men and women but there could be no lasting partnership to maintain a traditional family with children in an open-cheating relationship. Trust, stability, and long term planning objectives will vanish at the moment one of the partner is cheating on the other, and from there the relationship is a free-fall for all delusion just to have occasional sexual exchange without common social, emotional or financial goals.

Avoiding Infidelity by choosing Monogamy:

If you are comfortable in an open-polygamy (multiple partners) there should be no commitment and therefore no further advice could be provided for you here. But if you want to solidify a one-to-one monogamy partnership and support a family, you must nip infidelity in the bud by insisting that you both turn your attention inwards, towards the relationship. ‘You might not be able to totally affair-proof a home because there is always the back door though which you could abandon it all, but you can have one that is constantly vibrant,’ says Reibstein. ‘Monitor how you are together – are you in tune with the time, in the moment, taking pleasure in one another, or are you distracted by other potential lovers while losing touch with each other?’

When it comes to confronting a potentially unfaithful partner, clear communication is the key; stick to the facts of how you’re feeling and what can be done to support the relationship, rather than blaming anyone.  Define your life style in terms that you both understand from now-on forward. ‘Tell him or her that you’re feeling insecure and you’d like to talk about it, rather than throwing accusations around.

The man or the woman can save or destroy the relationship at any time. If you want  to create a family unit, it is not enough to say  ‘We are just Friends’ and go on dating other people; your friends are not supposed to take away your personal time or sleep around with you: Men will always want to chase attractive women; women will always be open to flirt and welcome proposals from good looking men… but you control the opening and closing of the gate. You need to develop a personal strategy for protecting yourself and your relationship from the fallout of acting on impulses’. Here are some unisex tips, which you can paraphrase in other words that you both could agree:

·      Stop multiple dating and take that time to nurture your relationship by giving exclusive attention to your partner’s needs both as a couple or as a family.

·      Understand that being physically attracted to someone else is the natural flow of hormonal reaction… but it doesn’t mean that you have to ‘go-there’ with anyone that ask you out or that the partner you’ve chosen already is the wrong person.

·      Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with the other person because must affairs begin in the mind; think of your partner instead.

·      Don’t flirt or exchange phones numbers with a person that is obviously courting you: To look and feel is human, but flirting, close up dancing, touching and spending extra time with a person, signals that you’re available and that you are sending out an invitation of receptivity.

·      Be gracious for the flirts & compliments but wear a ring that let your friends know that you are in a committed relationship by making reference to your partner and keeping personal topics out of the social conversation.

·      Business conversations are short, precise, public and based on the written record. Do not extend your business deals as an exchange for an additional dinner date or drinking parties that has nothing to do with the business at hand.

·      Avoid risky situations with alcohol: Don’t go to a one-to-one dinner and drink late a night, next to a motel in a ‘business trip’ and expect nothing else to happen, just because we are ‘just friends”.

·      Limits yourself to one drink in social occasions and control the times spent with any one-person in particular then make sure to invite you partner to join the group or to pick you up from the party.

·      Make an ‘intentional’ decision to control your instincts and to channel your sexual desire into building, nurturing and supporting a mutual relationship between you and your life-long-living-partner

Written by Fran Detower. Teacher Review Sept. 20, 2008 posted @www.Detower.com

Based on web article posted by Michele Kirsch; “Your Cheating Heart” also published @http://www.psychologies.co.uk/